Noah Kilmartin's Son
by AliasJaneDoe
Summary: The casualties of love and war. *COMPLETE*
1. The End

Author: ghostwritten  
  
Type of story: drabble  
  
Season: set in the future sometime after season two  
  
Warnings: character death  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own MX. If I did, I'd be busy finding new and interesting ways of torturing Brennan, not sitting here writing fanfic. Needless to say, I have no money and I'm not making any from this, so you'd have to be a jerk to sue me. And that wasn't very polite, but do you have idea how many disclaimers I've written?!  
  
Notes: I'm currently netless, but I've started having dreams where I'm online checking ff.net for updates, so I "borrowed" somebody else's computer and net connection. And then I discover that there's nothing new since the 9th! So naturally I decided to quickly write something and see if it would post (you know, just to appease my curiosity), hence this little fic. I normally don't post my drabbles. I only write them to get over writer's block, and then I trash them. But somebody had the nerve to comment that I only ever hurt Bren and Jesse while Adam gets left out. So this one is to prove that statement false. Oh, and this was written really fast and not beta-read, so read at your own risk.  
  
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Adam's POV  
  
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My dying was part of the plan all along.  
  
However I choose to look at it, I knew. On some level - the part of my mind that returned the logical reasoning I refused to see - I was always aware this was the exchange I had agreed to. It could be no other way.  
  
That knowledge was why I'd left my ring behind and gone without backup. The others wouldn't have allowed me to do this if I'd told them. They don't think that they're ready. And they aren't. In some ways, they never will be ready. The biggest changes in life are seldom prepared for accordingly. They happen based on snap decisions, often not your own, occurring in the blink of an eye, suddenly, unexpected. I wouldn't ask that they be ready. I simply have faith that they'll manage, that the mission will survive, without me.  
  
They'll adapt to the change.  
  
When I stepped onto that bridge (in hindsight a rather cliché meeting place), I think Jesse felt it as well. He understood that I came here to pay for his mistake.  
  
My dear, naïve Jesse. He let himself knowingly fall in love with a GSAgent. Blinded by the trust that accompanies youth, he actually thought it could work. He thought that love truly could conquer all. But perhaps that isn't merely the innocence of youth. It's just Jesse's nature. Whether or not it was this girl who personally betrayed him, I'm still unclear. Yet he was set-up and captured the night after he left us.  
  
The night he was supposed to propose.  
  
After receiving Mason's demands, I couldn't turn my back on him. It was either my unconditional surrender, or Jesse would be killed.  
  
I thought that when our fight switched from Gabriel Ashlocke back to Mason Eckhart that we'd gotten lucky. I thought we won against the greater of the two evils and were better off being left with the devil we know.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
But I do know Mason. I hate to admit we're a lot alike, he and I. Our lives have always been ruled by science. We also both share a darker side, obvious in how we approached our thirst for knowledge. And yet I do believe that when it comes right down to it, we are both men of our word.  
  
If I hadn't offered my own defection in our personal war, my old colleague - my old friend - would have murdered one of the only four people in my life that I'm truly close to.  
  
And Mason would have made certain Jesse's body was never found. The autopsy required by the police would reveal far too much. So instead he would simply disappear. Naturally he would have then be reported as missing. The story would be all over the local news. Misfortune always warrants broadcasting. The papers would headline it... for a while anyway.  
  
Noah Kilmartin's son reported missing. Presumed kidnapped. Presumed dead.  
  
But there would be no ransom demands, and there would be no body. Just the dangling mystery. In a week's time, the media would move on, and the public would forget. As happened with all things of this nature, attentions would change with the shifting of the wind. It would end as merely another sad story that had been gossiped about briefly. It would be dismissed with a shake of the head, perhaps a few sympathetic comments, but mainly people would view it with only the relief that it wasn't their child.  
  
All Jesse had accomplished as a part of Mutant X, the person he'd become over the years... none of it would have been know. He'd have been just another statistic, another person who'd died far too young.  
  
Jesse's death would only matter because he came from money, from "a good home."  
  
Not even my own child. None of the children of Genomex can be considered mine.  
  
I traded my life for Noah Kilmartin's son.  
  
Jesse refused to let it happen, shouting at me from where he was being held not so far down the road at the other side of the small river. He screamed for me not to do it.  
  
In a way, it was his attempt to preempt my death that brought it about.  
  
He was released when I began walking forward. His hands were unbound, although the governor wasn't removed, and then he was given what looked to be a rather firm nudge in the back to encourage his own movement. He made it clear that he didn't like being traded.  
  
When we met each other halfway across, he stopped walking and told me to turn back. Yet while I was alone, Mason was not. He had snipers trained on us both. This exchange would go his way.  
  
Mason never said that he intended to kill me, but Jesse knew I wouldn't switch sides or help him in any way to destroy what we'd worked so hard to achieve and protect. Sooner or later, Mason would feel that he had no choice but to kill me.  
  
I was shocked when Jesse essentially tackled me, throwing us both down toward the paved surface of the road while trying to ghost. The governors can't actually prevent the use of mutant abilities - they merely cause great pain when anybody attempts to do so. Most people would try very briefly once and then be wise enough to never attempt it again.  
  
The phase was sloppy, but it almost succeeded. The bullet that was fired at Jesse passed straight through him. It almost went harmlessly through me as well.  
  
Almost.  
  
The near triumph is clear from the fact that there's no entry point, only the exit wound at my back.  
  
I felt myself slam against the bridge before my body fully dispersed and Jesse and I both fell through it. The sensation of phasing was strange, and either intensely painful or that was the result of the bullet.  
  
I'm not sure which one of us screamed as we returned to normal and hit the water below. Maybe we both did.  
  
Jesse somehow managed to drag me onto the shore somewhere down river before passing out beside me, his own body still half-lying in the water. I suppose he more pushed me out than pulled for us to have ended up in this position.  
  
I'm not entirely certain he's breathing. If I were still able to move, I'd check.  
  
I can't believe he managed to phase with a governor implanted in the base of his neck. Perhaps he managed out of desperation. Perhaps it goes back to his misplaced trust that anything is possible. Perhaps it's just Jesse.  
  
I somehow shift my hand, not far, maybe an inch. Then ever so slowly another, until my fingers are resting in his hair and I trail them down to check for a pulse. It's there, steady and strong, reassuring. Eventually, he'll rouse.  
  
I wonder if he's already aware that when he wakes, I'll no longer be here.  
  
They say that as you die, the pain goes away. You're led to believe that as death approaches you'll go numb. But shock has already set in, and still every breath I take is agony.  
  
Due to the time of year, the water which soaks me is cool but not cold. Not cold enough to slow the bleeding.  
  
I know it wouldn't be right for you to be required to watch me die, but damn it, Jesse, wake up. You need to wake so that you can run. Mason is relentless, and his men will be upon us soon. You can't phase again, so you'll need to flee.  
  
Wake up, Jesse. Wake up and go home.  
  
Not wearing my ring was brash and, quite frankly, arrogant. Jesse's is gone as well, so there's no way to signal for help. What a stupid fool I am.  
  
Brennan can be headstrong, but he's capable of leading. If he were here, I know he'd make Jesse leave me. He'd make sure his team was safe.  
  
And they are his team. Now.  
  
Odd that it will be my most recent recruit who replaces me, but I suppose that's the reason I chose him. The others cannot do what I do. Jesse would make decisions with his heart rather than his head. He could never make the hard calls. Shalimar would be ruled by temper instead of rationale. And Emma's place has always been to support.  
  
They function well as a team, balancing each other out. Now it will just be Brennan calling the shots instead of me.  
  
My vision blurs. And it's not clouded with gray or red, or anything I would have expected, but charcoal blue. When you close your eyes, you presumably see the opposite color to that of what you were last looking at. Except I'm not certain what I last looked at. I doubt it was... whatever color is opposite charcoal blue. Coral pink?  
  
And my eyes aren't closed.  
  
Maybe I need to close them, and after that I'll slip away. So I let them close. Now it's dark, and I can't open them again despite trying.  
  
I feel my heartbeat, pounding in my ears. Each beat is spaced further apart from the last.  
  
I draw a shallow, shuddering breath, and the task of breathing is far more difficult than it has a right to be. That was probably my last breath.  
  
So now what?  
  
An afterlife? Nothing at all?  
  
As a scientist, I've spent the majority of my life trying to disprove the existence of God. If he isn't scientific fact, then he must not be so. One cannot believe in science, believe in evolution, and believe in God.  
  
Although, I've sometimes wondered if anyone truly believes or disbelieves. There is merely what we want to believe, what we tell people we believe, the stand we feel obligated to take. God cannot be seen, cannot be proven. Nor has his (or some would say her) existence ever viably been disproved.  
  
We are told that science and God are mutually exclusive. I take little comfort in that.  
  
I do not want for there to be a God. I prefer to think that I alone hold myself responsible for how I have lived my life. Overall, I like to think that I am a good man, although a man who has made many mistakes.  
  
But do I believe in God?  
  
I honestly do not know. And that frightens me.  
  
I feel Jesse stir slightly, my hand still resting against his warm skin. It's good that he's waking. I can take some amount of peace in that.  
  
I envy him.  
  
All the mistakes you've made, Jesse, do it all over again. Live without regrets. Continue being you.  
  
If I could go back, I'd take a chance with Christina. I'd take all the risks that common sense prevented.  
  
The throbbing of my heartbeat stops with one final beat, too loud inside my head, but now I miss it. Everything else is gone, and the darkness becomes all consuming.  
  
I'm not sure what to expect. As of now, there's no tunnel of brilliant celestial light, no deceased relatives or long gone friends come to greet me, no angels or demons, and neither pearly gates nor eternal flames.  
  
There is only the dark.  
  
And then the blackness breaks like dawn and lifts.  
  
And after that...  
  
After that there is... 


	2. The Beginning

Author's Note: By request, I'm adding another chapter - from Jesse's POV this time - but I still view Adam's chapter as being the end and being complete unto itself. This is a different story (Jesse's story), only focussing on the same event.  
  
As always, feedback is wanted (even flames if you give a reason for them).  
  
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Jesse's POV  
  
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Pain.  
  
Not just any pain, but an intense, deep down to my very core, throbbing behind the eyes with the force of a thousand migraines, splitting, blinding, absolute... agony.  
  
But I can't wake up yet. Not yet...  
  
Because I'm afraid. I'm scared that I slept too long, laid here unconscious beside him, for just a moment too long. I am petrified that my world has completely changed and will never be same after today. My life is going to be so different.  
  
I can't wake up to this. I'm so afraid that I'll rise only to realize that he died while I was sleeping. And that thought is unbearable.  
  
Yet I can't ignore this. Reality will still be so whether I'm conscious to experience it or not. And I...  
  
I need to know.  
  
"Adam..." I manage to choke out, stirring and forcing my eyes to open. The pain flares fresh and new, like a nail gun has just been fired into my skull. Oh god...  
  
Fingers slide limply through my wet hair as I raise my head, and water drips into my eyes. Water also laps against my body, and I guess that means I didn't quite manage to get myself out of the river before I blacked out. I'm soaking wet, my shirt clingy from the water.  
  
And the blood.  
  
I suddenly want to throw up, and I take several deep, gasping breaths. My shirt is wet with red. It's not just the water. It's blood. His blood. I'm stained with Adam's blood...  
  
I practically hyperventilate as I grab desperately at the hand which had been resting against me when I woke. "Adam!" My voice is stronger this time, but the pitch is slightly too high, still choked with fear.  
  
He's not moving, and I'm stained with blood. Dear God, just please... Please no, please anything else... Just no...  
  
Adam's blood is on me because of how I wrapped my arm around him and swam to the shore. Adam's blood is on me because I messed up and got him shot. I rub at the bloody material for a second, but all I manage to do is get the blood on my hands, diluted by the water but still terrifying. Adam's blood is on my hands. Ironically appropriate.  
  
I shove myself up onto my hands and weakly drag myself forward, the move awkward. If I'd been standing, I'd have called it more of a stumbling than actual planned motion. But I lean over his body now, both of us finally out of the water.  
  
You can't be dead, Adam. I need you.  
  
I practically collapse across him, one arm draped over his body, and I rest my head on his chest. There's no heartbeat, no sign of breathing.  
  
No...  
  
NO!  
  
My fault. It's all my fault. This is because of me.  
  
I'm sorry. So, so sorry.  
  
I broke the rules. I messed up. I fell in love with her and I knew she worked for the other side. But I didn't believe we were truly at war. I didn't know it was black and white, us and them, and that there was no middle ground to speak of. I didn't know this war was so real.  
  
I didn't know there would be casualties. At least not any of us. Certainly not Adam.  
  
I'm the shade of gray. I'm the only gray because I made it up. Really there isn't any gray.  
  
I wish her dead. I want her to die instead. How could she betray me? She's a New Mutant as well. If it's only us and them, why wasn't she one of us?  
  
Why did I ever allow myself to fall in love?  
  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  
  
And I guess I still love her in some part, because I want her to pay for this. Hate is not the opposite of love. If I truly didn't care about her, I'd be indifferent, apathetic. But I want justice. I want revenge. I want vengeance.  
  
I love her enough to want to kill her.  
  
It hurts so much. The pain in my chest makes the remaining traces of the agony inflicted by the governor seem almost nonexistent. It hurts...  
  
I should have passed out sooner. A moment earlier and the water which lapped at my legs would have drawn me back into it. I should have died instead of Adam. Or at least I should have died with him.  
  
I want to cry, but I know I can't do that. If I cry, it means the bad things are real. And I won't let this be real.  
  
I wish I'd drowned.  
  
I begin to shake with silent sobbing. I can't help it, can't hold it back. I want to curl up, shivering although it's not cold, and just lie here until Eckhart's men reach me. It's what I deserve. I deserve to be the one to pay for my own mistakes.  
  
Somebody lays a hand on my shoulder, but despite not having heard them approach, I don't startle. I don't move at all. I want to ask for just one more minute here with his body so that I can say goodbye, but I don't speak, and I wouldn't even if I could somehow form the words.  
  
I'm ready now. I'm ready to pay the price. Just be merciful. Kill me here and do it quickly. Don't take me prisoner again. Don't hold me captive and don't pod me. Just put a bullet in me like was done to Adam. That bullet was meant for me anyway. It should have been mine.  
  
But the hand is gentle, and I'm tenderly pulled up and wrapped in loving arms. Shalimar found me. I cling to her tightly. I want to be held.  
  
After several seconds that stretch on forever, I'm carefully switched from Shalimar's embrace to Emma's. Subconsciously I know this is so Shal can have her own moment with Adam. I turn around to look at her, dropped to her knees by his body, her lips forming whispered words.  
  
It's strange. I thought she would be crying out loudly. I thought she would be full of rage. But I see only sorrow.  
  
Brennan stands slightly off in the distance, several paces back from the rest of us. He's just watching. And I see the realization, the brief flicker of concern before it's wiped away as he sets his jaw and squares his shoulders. It'll be the hardest for him. While we all weep, he isn't permitted. That's the realization that settles over him, washing away the emotion.  
  
In that single instant, I know he's changed, and I mourn for him as well. He can't be the same person he was. His relationship to the rest of us can't be like it was any longer. He needs to step up to this. He's responsible now, whether he wants it or not, because he's just been placed in charge of Mutant X.  
  
I'm sorry it had to happen so soon, my friend. I've placed the weight of the world on your shoulders for you to bear, Bren. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've taken away your opportunities to be cocky and carefree. I've ended your time to be young. It's my fault Adam is dead, and now you've been given his role. You have to lead us now, Brennan. You can no longer just be our friend.  
  
I do cry, freely now, as he takes a deep breath to steady himself. "We need to leave now," he says, and his tone is already different, gentle yet firm. He's ordering us to go.  
  
"We're taking Adam with us."  
  
For a second it's weird that I don't recognize why the voice is Shal's and not mine. I would have said the same, if only I could remember how to talk. But my own mouth is cotton.  
  
Brennan takes a step forward as if he wants to help her, or as if he wants to cradle her in his arms to ease the suffering. But instead he just blinks, closing his eyes for a long moment, and I think I saw the pain there in those eyes before he opens them again and it's gone. "No."  
  
And then he does touch Shal, bending over to urge her up. He says something to her, but it's softly spoken and I don't hear it. Then they both straighten up so that they're standing, and Brennan guides her away from Adam's body.  
  
I can't believe we're going to leave him. But logically I know we can't take his body with us. Carrying him would slow us down, and the GSA must be almost upon us already. But I have no place in me for logic. Not now.  
  
"Emma, bring Jesse," Brennan calls to her, and I realize I'm not moving.  
  
She slips her hand into mine, and I look at her tear-streaked face while she looks back at me. Something flickers in her eyes and I almost think she's going to apologize for something, and then she hits me with a psionic blast.  
  
We need to go. We need to be strong. Adam wouldn't want me to stay and be captured. And I know it's true and not just because of Emma, but it's still hard.  
  
Adam died because of me, but he also died *for* me. And I hope that he was proud of me, because that matters. I think of him like a father, even though I'm somebody else's son.  
  
So I finally get my feet to work and I run. To the Helix, I suppose, but I don't ask. And I don't ask how the others found me. What's important is that they came, and now we're going home. I'd like to think that we'll be okay. That we can cope, can handle this.  
  
Adam's dead. And I know everybody dies someday. I just didn't think someday would be today. Someday is something I never honestly expected to come. At least not yet. I still had plans. I was supposed to get married, and Adam was supposed to be there. He couldn't die before that. But he did.  
  
He died for me.  
  
And I just hope I do something with the rest of my life that's worth that. 


End file.
